no where to go but here

It is the 4^th of May 2008. When I opened my eyes this morning it is a bit different, as if I am a completely different person. Am I on a depression state? I feel so alone. I know God is there for me, my family is there for me but what is it that I am searching for right now?

Last night, I had my hair cut way too short than before at Essensuals. It is actually the shortest hair I had ever since I was young, my crowning glory. I also had a pampering session at The Spa expecting that I will release all the tensions I experienced the past few weeks. After rewarding myself, I rushed home to get a goodnight sleep.

(This is not me all right, I am trying my best here
to give the best picture of how my hair looks like..so there you go )

Before I went to bed, I talked to my boyfriend – if that’s the term for him- I haven’t seen him for a while and I want to tell him that I really need him at this point of my life. He put me on hold at the middle of our conversation to talk to his “mom” on the other line ( if it is really his mom….whatever) So I decided to drop the call and just wait for him to call back. When my phone rang, it was my guy friend inviting me to join them at a house near ours. Since I haven’t spent time with these old buddies of mine for quite a while, I decided to change clothes and have a chit chat with them.

They were at the garage of their house, I told myself I will eat and I’ll try to drink beer- I don’t usually drink but that night I feel like drinking- So I took over the noodles and fish savoring every bite, after wards I poured the beer to my glass. The question popped in my head asking “why am I drinking?” “Do you have a problem?” or “ do you wanna release your stress?” The questions were left unanswered.

It’s been an hour and my ever loyal boyfriend is still not calling back. I attempted to dial his number several times but the “Call waiting” icon appears every single time. Miraculously, after my final attempt he answered the phone telling me that he just finished talking with his mom. What a lovely boy! Ha! I know what’s running on your mind but who am I to judge? So I dropped the argument even before it happened and I said goodnight to the man I once thought would really make me extra happy.

I just had one bottle of beer. I suddenly feel pain of my left shoulder that made me uneasy so I bid goodbye to my friends and decided to go home instead. As I lay down on my mattress, I feel like crying. There are many questions I like to have some answers, questions that I myself cannot formulate. There is something wrong with me and I have to dig in to know what’s keep on bothering me. I can’t remember what’s next….

And so when I opened my eyes, it’s the 4^th of May 2008. I feel like a different person though nothing very special about today, I know I will still feel the same way as yesterday, maybe even worse. My shoulder pain is still killing me and my heart is still bleeding (figuratively of course). But I need to know how to handle this situation I am going through or else it will definitely drive me crazy.