honestly, Thank You

A sequel...

“… been busy thinking about what was taken away... it's time  to think about what was given." - Prince Caspian

Dear heartbreaker,

I was so caught up with my emotions and thank you will be the last words I may be able to say while I’m having this emotional turmoil. But I’m betterer  as we used to say it, so it’s the perfect timing to say my thoughts. You know me; I easily forget things so I have to say it now.

Kudos to Mark Zuckerberg for inventing his social network, without it I won’t be enjoying our daily exchanges of emails before, as I told you, you were like someone from the other side of world.  I could have wanted it that way until today, but destiny let us meet personally.  And we fell in love, and so I thought…did you?

Anyway, now I would like to share what you have given instead of what was taken away from me.

Thank you for those smiles

Thank you for the memorable birthday I had this year

Thank you for our lovely chats on my veranda, under the moon and under the stars

Thank you for bringing me to yogurt land whenever I feel down

Thank you for being with me on my darkest hours - remember when we drank 2 bottles of beer just to pacify me, i loved that

Thank you for the charming poems

Thank you for teaching me to be patient and being patient with me most especially when I forget things

Thank you for letting me meet new friends

Thank you for the good music, the great movies and the great books

Thank you for holding my hand

Thank you for the laughter

Thank you for listening to my stories

Thank you for bringing me to new places

Thank you for that wonderful night when we just danced for hours – one thing I will always cherish

Thank you for the little surprises such as cooking and bringing food for Kelvin

Thank you for your silence

Thank you for the respect

Thank you for just being with me

Thank you for being my source of happiness

Thank you for doing the extra mile

Thank you for being a blessing

Thank you for just being you


Thank you for the Blueberry nights

And thank you for allowing me to love you

I have loved you for who you are ( I have said that a countless times already) , you are someone special and at times when I’m watching you sleep soundly  I would ask myself for how long will this  amazing moment will last.

I will never understand how it died- as you claimed it. I just know I have given my best and yes you should be sorry for the pain you have caused me. I will never want to be like you. I am not mad, I am just unhappy. But I would also like to say sorry at times I don’t realized I have hurt you.  

Fleeting ayt? But it was the best for me so far. Indeed, it was a learning process.

Writing this does not mean that what you did was OK, it can never be OK. It was not right. It was unfair, it was devastating. Someone would always remind me, never to put you on high pedestal, I agree. You are not worth it. This is me talking as someone who’s in love with you or had fallen in love with you. I know you are good person, we all are.  Every person is unique; unfortunately your uniqueness has been my source of sorrow.

I know we could have been good friends; well I am still looking forward to that day. I wish you well; I wish we both find our Neverland even if that would mean two separate Neverlands. I will miss you but that’s basically it. I will always remember you as that boy who made me smile and your shadow the night you stood by the sidewalk and watch me on my porch waving goodbye. 

As a friend, I like to say “ See you later”

But as someone who was hurt I’ll say these parting words, “Another jerk down, I’m getting closer to the one.”

Be safe!

Will always be in Love,

Sweet

DO YOU WANT A REFUND?

I was having this conversation with a friend, musings creep in.

Have you ever wanted something, for example a Ferrari. You are blown away by it, wanted it so much. It is beautiful, fast, top of the line, you work hard for it but when you got it you realize you are not the right driver, you get uncomfortable and then you want to give it back, a refund maybe, and you want something more comfortable?

As a therapy 2 years ago, I bought a DSLR and named her Peaches. I always loved taking pictures. I was ecstatic when I got it,  I suddenly wanted to be a professional photographer. I bought lenses and I take good care of it more than I take good care of my house. But sometimes I find it heavy, too much a burden to bring to parties and just rely on my friends who would tag me on Facebook and so Peaches will just be on one corner of my room waiting for weeks or even months before I carry and use her again.

Sometimes I would like to think that it is OK to do the same thing to humans. But being  the highest specie on earth we don’t deserve to be treated that way. If these things would have feelings, what would they think of us.

This gave me a new light.

If we have the money to buy all the luxury, all the things we want then perhaps collecting these items and letting them accumulate dust would be OK. Go on and test drive a car, purchase the most expensive bags, the latest gadgets. Nothing will stop us.  But when it comes to us humans, we cant ask for a refund to the investment we give away perhaps to relationships - friends and lovers included. It will always be a risk. Do everything in your power to let them stay, no regrets. LOVE but make sure you love yourself first, this is one of the best deal you can invest in.  But if amidst the joy you feel, something might just get wrong  even if you think it’s almost perfect, along the way people will realize they are not the right driver, and they just don’t want you around anymore. Fret, cry, experience the pain and cry again as loud as you can but then stop at a certain point. You had enough. Don’t waste anymore time. Pray for healing. Next time you cry it should be tears of joy.

You don’t have to ask for refund. As a friend would say, if you broke your arm on three different places, there’s no need to return to these places anymore.  And as Prince Caspian would say: “… been busy thinking about what was taken away… it’s time  to think about what was given.” 

Thank you Lani, Mavel and Rose for your wisdom

Finding Her Stardust in the Midst of Gravity

Psalm 137: By the Rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion

 

12thBC

 

The lady saw her face on the rippled water by the river and she wept, her heart is bleeding. She doesn’t recognize the person in front of her anymore; the reflection is filled with so much pain that it becomes blurry. Her armor lies on the ground.

 

She is a warrior of light, good at fighting for something she believes in. With her is her knight – a man who promised her strength, courage and wisdom that so he may fight a good fight alongside her. She have been wounded a number of times already from different combats but nevertheless with all her might she promised to join her knight on their next crusades.

 

Until such one battle near the northern sky changed everything. Together with her knight and her gladiators they started to conquer the land, her squad is not winning, she knows something is different, something is wrong. He looked for her knight in the midst of the war and she saw him sitting on the ground, not moving and tears falling down on his face. She looked at his eyes with so much love, wanting to tell him to stand up and finish the fight. Then she realized he is deeply wounded, sword blunt with age fell short in timing, shield unpolished, and banner adorned with slits and dust.  He does not want to fight anymore. He no longer believes in their cause. He just stopped. Not too long ago he decided to love and fight with the lady, in an instant he surrendered and decided to let go. He don’t want to conquer lands anymore with her, perhaps he wants a different battle.

 

The lady does not understand or rather don’t want to understand, her heart becomes so heavy that blood ran down from her eyes. She pleads but the knight already gave up.  The lady together with her squad lost the battle and was captured by the enemies. She was crying as her hands are cuffed, no words can express her misery. She lost her kingdom but more dreadful was that she lost her knight.

 

Is this her downfall?

 

Then she remembered what an old wise man told her once” One doesn’t love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone.. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God”. The lady realized that she cannot fully understand the miracle of life if she does not allow unexpected things to happen. She was given her kingdom, she was given the rain, the sun and the wind and she was given the ability to change EVERYTHING that makes her unhappy. She just needs to pay attention and discover her magical moment.  It has always been the journey and not the destination as they say, and no, nothing leaves a permanent mark. The old man completes his sentence “Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.”

 

She is now loosening her hand cuffs and planning to escape to bring back her kingdom. She fought for love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. She was worth it. But she will have to find the right knight to fight for her and in search she will be armored by this wisdom :

 

“ But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if it means hours, days, weeks of disappointments and sadness” – Paolo Coelho By the river Piedra, I sat down and wept

this is the fate you've carved on me...

My New Adventure Begins Now

"Extraordinary things only happen to extraordinary people. Maybe it’s a sign that you’ve got an extraordinary destiny. Something greater than you could have imagined"


It was the best quote in the movie and it was very clear when Reepicheep said this to Eustace Scrubb, Edmund and Lucy's cousin. I feel no coincidence that I watched the movie this evening. Aslan, well in our world- God has placed everything in His perfect plan. Hearing those words pacified my heart, as if He was telling it to me directly. 


I almost forgot how to love myself fully and to submit to Him the unexpected things that happen in my life. I always try to course my destiny wanting everything to be under my control. I never wanted the unchartered waters but perhaps this made me realize to let go and let God. It does not mean that we are free to be mean and hurt other people. It does not justify cowardice and being selfish, but it also signals that we speak and hear the truth. We always have a choice in every situation that are being presented to us. Good or bad, there is a valuable lesson, whether it's a love lost, an accident,  a promotion at work, failure in business or even as simple as forgetting a password. 


God brings us people and difficult situations for as to realize something beyond our imagination, we may learn to appreciate better the life He has given us, learn to trust again, or maybe to grasp that above all we should be kind and loving despite the tender sorrows. He knows our destination 


On a personal note, I believe I am one of His favorite! He would always remind me how should I prioritize Him and Love Him above anything else because the truth is He Loved us first. I cannot comprehend how other people could make me feel unhappy, life can be a storm sometimes you know. But I have no domination over  their hearts and minds, they maybe struggling on their own.  They may also be praying for the strength to get by, sometimes these same people are ones who were hurt badly before. And so those  who have better understanding, those who are valiant enough should do one thing, REMEMBER LOVE. Love encompasses everything. 


When I set my heart on something, it means I have decided on it.  But this is me, again we can't force other human beings to do the same and that's when we get frustrated, that's when we give up and that's when we question our destiny. But then again let us fix our eyes on Him, for doing so will free us from the corruption of our own mind. We experience all these to become a better person, a better servant of God. 


I will embrace change. Accept that I am extraordinary and so are you...

Habakkuk 2:3- "But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed."

My new adventure begins now...

Finding her Stardust

 Psalm 137: By the Rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea, we wept, when we remembered Zion

12thBC

The lady saw her face on the rippled water by the river and she wept, her heart is bleeding. She doesn’t recognize the person in front of her anymore; the reflection is filled with so much pain that it becomes blurry. Her armor lies on the ground.

She is a warrior of light, good at fighting for something she believes in. With her is her knight – a man who promised her strength, courage and wisdom that so he may fight a good fight alongside her. She have been wounded a number of times already from different combats but nevertheless with all her might she promised to join her knight on their next crusades.

Until such one battle near the northern sky changed everything. Together with her knight and her gladiators they started to conquer the land, her squad is not winning, she knows something is different, something is wrong. She looked for her knight in the midst of the war and she saw him sitting on the ground, not moving and tears falling down on his face. She looked at his eyes with so much love, wanting to tell him to stand up and finish the fight. Then she realized he is deeply wounded, sword blunt with age fell short in timing, shield unpolished, and banner adorned with slits and dust.  He does not want to fight anymore. He no longer believes in their cause. He just stopped. Not too long ago he decided to love and fight with the lady, in an instant he surrendered and decided to let go. He don’t want to conquer lands anymore with her, perhaps he wants a different battle.

The lady does not understand or rather don’t want to understand, her heart becomes so heavy that blood ran down from her eyes. She pleads but the knight already gave up.  The lady together with her squad lost the battle and was captured by the enemies. She was crying as her hands are cuffed, no words can express her misery. She lost her kingdom but more dreadful was that she lost her knight.

Is this her downfall?

Then she remembered what an old wise man told her once” One doesn’t love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone.. To love is to be in communion with the other and to discover in that other the spark of God”. The lady realized that she cannot fully understand the miracle of life if she does not allow unexpected things to happen. She was given her kingdom, she was given the rain, the sun and the wind and she was given the ability to change EVERYTHING that makes her unhappy. She just needs to pay attention and discover her magical moment.  It has always been the journey and not the destination as they say, and no, nothing leaves a permanent mark. The old man completes his sentence “Love is a trap. When it appears, we see only its light, not its shadows.”

She is now loosening her hand cuffs and planning to escape to bring back her kingdom. She fought for love. There are some things in life that are worth fighting for to the end. She was worth it. But she will have to find the right knight to fight for her and in search she will be armored by this wisdom :

“ But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if it means hours, days, weeks of disappointments and sadness” – Paolo Coelho By the River Piedra, I sat down and wept  

this is the fate you've carved on me...

TO THE MOON AND BACK

I woke up 3am today just because I slept early. I always love waiting for the sunrise to come, how it colors the cloud after a dark starry night. Since its December, night time is longer than day.

I stayed at my veranda and waited for the color burst

5:15

5:30

5:45

My patience is letting me down, besides it is cold outside and the coat I’m wearing does not suffice the heavy blows of the yuletide air. I went back inside and lie down on my bed for a while, blank thoughts. Minutes passed and I remembered  indeed I am just passing time.

Suddenly, fear creep in and I had a short conversation with myself.

“Do you really wanna see the sunrise, Sweet?”

“ Is it better to wish that all days be filled with stars and a smiling moon?”

“Sunrise would mean another day and you have no choice but to face it again. Are you sure about that?”

I don’t have to answer back, my feet just started to move and I found myself outside standing on a chair taking a picture of another magnificent day. That was 5:55 am

Then I remembered the moon.

I miss Luna, most especially when it’s full. The amazing beauty and the eccentric joy it brings to my heart but I just had this idea about the new moon, or perhaps a crescent one – half illuminated by the sun, just like the way it shined last night. 

I just learned that crescent came from the Latin verb “crescere”   meaning “ to grow”,  I would love to see the moon grow, the period when it’s doing its best to get all the sun it needs. The imperative period before it reaches the full moon, I can just stay at my veranda – no, not to waste my time – but join the crescent moon in waiting as the sun illuminates it fully.

Moon and Sun, they’re equally stunning, equally significant.

 written 12.13.10

thank you lost boy

Forever by  Hillsong. One song is all I need to bring back the rain, I don't even know the reason why it keeps on falling down. Thank you lost boy for your message, I shall forever believe in Neverland

Fly.
wipe those tears, don't cry
you'll find flying back to London isn't so bad

Fly.
and get rid of those sighs
you'll find out the world isn't so mad

Fly my little one. fly.
Neverland will always be your own wonderland
It will stay in your heart, a remembrance of the love you had in your hand
Fly my little one fly.

Feel the wind and the glow of fairy dust.
Go to the moon till the sun shoots its streaks of rust.

Though far don't fret, remember when you've read.
you'd sing and tuck, us little boys to bed to bed.
fun times, we'd always remember.
forever etched like a burning ember. Lost b

Hugs.

- Lost boy

Clutter

I thought my mind won't work today, but here I go again, this haven of mine has and will always be my therapy, and so I write... 

Yesterday, someone let me realize something.

I have a separation anxiety to some things, it saddens me if I have to give it away or I have to put it to trash. I still believe I can put it to good use, hold on to the memory it brings back. Just as a familiar smell brings back a pile of recollection, it gives me simple joy to reminisce the good times I had when I see a certain thing.  

But having a hard time to let go of things caused me much, it accumulates and I found myself surrounded with a lot a clutter, suffocating and sometimes preventing me from moving around with ease. Funny thing though, I know this stuff just gives me that sudden jerk of a not so distant past or maybe put an effortless smile on my face but these are all lifeless materials. There is only one thing I like about them, they can't say goodbye, even if they were torn down or served its purpose already. They remain as long as I want them around but part from that a pillow, for example,  can’t hug me back even if I hug it tighter, a  string of lights can just give much shine but can’t brighten a whole town, flowers wilt, written poems can’t hold my hand when I’m sad, books can’t cuddle me when I’m tired and even a collection of DVDs can’t wipe my tears the moment it falls down. .

Human beings can. Friends and people who matter can.

Thus I am not surprised that amidst the chaos I am into right now, the pain, the tears and even the constant jabs of egoistic thinking, I find peace in my heart. I know family and friends are sent by God to do the things lifeless materials can’t –they can love or hurt me. I treasure each and every one of them, it does not matter if I just met them once, spent a couple of months together, or someone I’ve been with for years now. They all encompass the Sweet I am today.

We wait for a Monday or the 1^st day of the month or even another year for resolutions before we act. I myself am guilty of that. But then again, friends come and go to, sometimes at the most unexpected occasion, just to let us realize that nothing is permanent and we don’t need a good date or a good day to start something new. I am writing this in between cleaning the mess that surrounds me, I have to stop and inscribe because I may forget about it after an hour.  I have this short term memory issues.

I am half way through, the junk shop would be happy to see the rubbish stuff I will be letting go. I will definitely retain just those with very significant meaning; the rest will have to go. What about the memories it brings? I‘ll just draw it from my heart.

I won’t expect my things to come back walking, knocking on my door or even pleading to take them back. Of course they won’t! But if they can hear me, I will just have to say that life moves on, people work hard, time will pass, night and day will reveal itself, and memories will just be cherished even there aren’t things around to remind me.

".. let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us... fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith... No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it" (Hebrews 12:1-2, 11)

formaldehyde

When I was in college taking up Biology, we were required to dissect a frog and a cat. To be able to preserve it while we study its anatomy we need formaldehyde. The frog should be drowned in formalin ( the more layman's term) and the cat should be injected with it's formula, occasional spray and wiping of the chemical onto its body is also vital.

I thought of using formaldehyde in the fleeting, ephemeral beautiful moments in my life. I can't think of a better way to preserve it, something that may last forever. But then again reality bites, people around me would say, the norm and the "sane" would definitely agree, that it is NOT possible. What would be the criteria for sanity or insanity? I guess we are all insane in our personal ways - the world is not just ready for it.

And so I am pouring the formaldehyde unto the greatest moments in my life, those very exact moments that I felt happy or sad. I cannot share this formula to the people I love, because this is not their choice, as I always say - I'm not good at forcing other people to do things I would like them to do. I would like to drown in it's chemical composition at my own risk, you see formalin, at larger amount is hazardous to our health. Perhaps, I would know when to stop.

In a few, I will be cleaning my crib, so many clutters to let go, oh yes.. letting go - another thing I'm not good at but will surely do so I can have more space in my room. The coming days will be busy, it's the holiday season you know,  I may not know when would I be able to share my thoughts again with you.

Merry Christmas and definitely  a Happy New Year everyone!

In Love,
Sweet

you are my sunshine, my occasional rain

THE WOLD IS OUR PLAYGROUND AND WE WILL ALWAYS BE HOME

UP DHARMA DOWN

you are my sunshine
and my occassional rain
we become divine
after every pain

so please, won’t you
sit this through
because everyday
will find reasons to stay
if words are too few
to keep horizons in view
will you go
or stay and grow

standing on the edge
between crazy and sense
remember what i said
nothing has to end

won’t you think it over
i’m not so good with words
i don’t think you heard me
if words are too few
to keep horizons in view
will you go
or stay and grow

i swear, i belong, this is where i belong

*editor's note 12/13/10  : I never thought I will be singing this song