highlights in my hair

I just came home from the salon a few hours ago. Here I go again, my stress buster… another haircut ( a very short haircut) and should I say worse (?) because I even allowed the "color technician" to put some highlights on my crowning glory. I did have a "rogue" moment before but never the serious highlights. Why was is called highlights anyway, to emphasize your hair style? But yeah, it was something new, something out of the ordinary. Just so I thought I always wanted to be the “extra” ordinary woman.

I was suppose to sleep early today ( so I can finally execute my gym plan tomorrow that failed today) but I can’t help but log in to the internet world again. While I was checking some stuff, my phone rang and it was my Dad. We never had the chance to talk last New Year though we spent almost an hour last Christmas over the phone. Our conversation started with the basics, then he asked how I am doing right now ( I know he meant my heart) and I said “ I am good” and I told him the “NR” story of my crush and so on. At the middle of our conversation, he mentioned about the nursing thing again (or I did hear my stepmom mentioned it to him to ask me about it) and that’s where my mood changed.

For those who don’t know me, I graduated as a Biologist because I thought I wanted to be a doctor. During those times, I have witnessed how aspiring doctors would study hard, spend much time at the hospital, study hard, go on duty even on holidays and did I say study hard?( No offense to my doctor friends ok? Its just my point of view) Well, it was that year 2003 that I realized or thought that being a doctor is not for me (should I blame it to my alma mater or to my high school classmates who influenced me?hmmm) December before I graduated from college I announced to my batch mates that I will no longer pursue my Medicine but instead take another course (I am kinda studious that days… hahaha) I even got a kick in the teeth when I found out that I graduated with a “laude” on my name but that did not stop me from breaking the “norm”. I thought about my next course, I even planned to take up Comm Arts or MassCom maybe since that's where I was inclined to but my Dad said it was not financially rewarding so there was I, so scared of ending up as a teacher ( also a very noble profession, but I would rather teach kindergarten pupils or the SAGIP kids than dealing with some stubborn college students coz I am stubborn myself..hehehe) so I took up Nursing. Hey, who’s not taking that course nowadays? I was even one of them. Three years, I studied and loved my course and I was imagining the paychecks abroad, the big house, the BMWs, the easy (?) life my course promised every hopeful student nurse while feeding a dying patient through an NGT. But I was lead to a different road, let’s just say the road less traveled. I kept on telling myself that I was brought to nursing perhaps to really help other people (that’s what little Ms. Philippines contestants used to say). I took the board, passed, leakage issue came out, I was even interviewed on TV (hahaha), got a job (not as a nurse), took the board again for the sake of clearing my name and passed again but up to this moment, never did I practiced my profession ever! Today, I am on the marketing field, a wedding host (which I enjoy the most), and an entrepreneur!

Have you ever asked yourself what you really wanted to be? Imagined what is it like or where will you be in the future? What about your sole purpose in life? I did asked and the picture is getting clearer and clearer but I still need some time to finalize my mental notes. But these I know, I want to do what I am passionate about. I want lit up the lives of every human being I encounter, I want to serve the poor in my own way, expound my talents and leverage from it. I wanted to develop my business and inspire people, give my family a more comfortable life and I want to have my own wonderful family in the near future (calling the groom to be..where are you?!) Just few of the things I wanted and one day I want these to be summarized in one great purpose in life.

And so back to my conversation with my Dad, when he asked me about my plans and insisting that I should take the exams I was diffident with my answer…” I’ll think about it Dad” is all I blurted out. It didn’t make him happy, he concluded that I don’t wanna be with him and that made me sad, I don’t wanna give him false statements, nor don’t want to break his heart. God knows I wanted to spend more time with my Dad in the past 26 years of my life and even dying to be with them everyday but having a decision about moving abroad, practicing nursing and leaving what I am passionate about is something I do not consider now. Hey, a US vacation or tour is not bad butI see myself here, in our humble land; this is where I will be wealthy not only financially but in all aspect of my life.

I do not want to go with flow of the river but I wanted to be just like a flowing river: deep, abundant and full of life. I know I hurt my Dad with what I said about thinking “it” over ( that’s the time a tear dropped from my eye) and I understand him for that but I know he also values my perspective and he is 100% supportive with what I wanted in life, just like my Mom. I am thankful to both of them , even though their love story doesn’t have a happy ending, I was more than glad that they raised me into what I am right now. A woman determined to succeed and be “extra” ordinary.

So I will leave you ( ladies) again with an excerpt from a song by India Arie:

“Now we're moving from the darkness into the light
This is the defining moment of our lives

'Cause you're beautiful like a flower
More valuable than a diamond
You are powerful like a fire
You can heal the world with your mind

There is nothing in the world that you cannot do
When you believe in you, who are beautiful
Yeah, you, who are brilliant
Yeah, you, who are powerful
Yeah, you, who are resilient”

It’s entitled Beautiful Flower. I encourage you to be one.

Living with Passion,

Sweet

details in the fabric

At my pink and green desk

1300H

I really love listening to music and I know it is a gift from God. It is an instrument we can all turn to in times that we are happy, sad, emotional, hopeless romantic and even feeling bored( that's even the reason why I became VERY impulsive in buying my nanochromatic Ipod Nano after i lost my 30 GB ipod..huhuhu). I posted quite a number of songs already on my blogs and today will be just like any other "music" day. I am here at the office,in front of my pink and green desk, first day of work and first week of 2009 and I opened my music player, chose an album to play and Jason Mraz was first on my list so I dragged his We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things album to my player. After a few songs like Lucky and I'm Yours, the third song caught my attention. I thought I heard Jason sang " If you have a broken heart, replace it" .. and I reacted "huh?" so I rewind the track and listened very carefully, I even searched for the lyrics and this is what i found out: 

Song Title : Details in the Fabric

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed instead
Of running around
And pulling on your threads and
Breaking yourself up

If it's a broken part, replace it
If it’s a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything will be fine

Hang on
Help is on the way
Stay strong
I'm doing everything

Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
Hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way

And everything
Everything will be fine
Everything

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the things that make you blow
Hell, no reason, go on and scream
If you're shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing.

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Everything

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way

Hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way.

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Are your thoughts results of static cling?

Are the details in the fabric
Are the things that make you panic
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?
Are the things that make you blow
Hell no reason go on and scream
If you’re shocked it's just the fault
Of faulty manufacturing

Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Hearts will hold


---


When I was kid ( and even now) our elders would tell us to use our eyes and not our mouth when we are looking for something. I used to do that, the mouth-thing and sometimes I even panic when things do not turn out the way I planned or if I was caught between a situation I never expected to happen. Sometimes, I just want to break and lose myself somehow but I know I wont and I will never do that just because of a broken heart. Better face it, endure it then detach from it and move on. :)

Where is he?

Talk about creating a website dedicated to your one true love...I can't believe I did that. I find it "baduy" but it was what I am feelin' yesterday when I created it ( both the baduy and urgency feeling to create such site..hahaha) I will leave that site anonymous for now but here is my first letter to my one true love: ( please don't laugh..)

To  my Kismet,
 
Can I call you "Baby"?  It is simple but very romantic ( I think)

I will dedicate this site for you, while of course waiting for your arrival very soon.
I had been to a painful relationship last year (2008), I thought he was you but I was wrong. He cheated while I was busy being faithful to him.  I had to get through that crisis  and I am glad I am doing great in coping now and ready to find the real you again, just like I did on different men that pretended to be you but walked away. I am also thankful that God let it all happen, even if I was hurt I know it was for the best because I may not be able to find you if I was stuck on that relationship. A relationship I was trying to work out alone, I never followed my instincts even my superstitions, just my crazy heart and do not often listened to God's messages.

You know, it scares me… how would I know that it will be  you already?  I pray that it will be you…and I am asking for God's help for me to  discern well. I made this section just for you and I shall show this to you on the day we will say our vows to each other and spend the rest of our lives together, telling you I have waited for you all my life.
 
Today, January 1, 2009. I will again start my search for you. I may have met you in the past or I will be meeting you soon enough, I do not care.  It might be a long and winding road but I know I will find you and I hope you will find me too and know that it is me you are looking for.
 
So God Help us
 
Its me,
Your kismet

2-0-0-8

2008. It has been a year, colorful even with shades of black and grey. A year I will never forget, just like the last 25 years of my life. I am still searching for the pot of happiness at the end of the rainbow and I believe it will always be a nonstop journey. There are a lot of wonderful memories this year in spite the painful recollections that I will fortunately leave behind.

My health, I welcomed 2008 with a news that I have Levo ( left) scoliosis, I decided to have a check up since I am having this throbbing back pain for days already. Dancing has always been a passion of mine since I was a kid and never did I think I’ll be diagnosed with this condition. I am still thankful that it’s only a 10 degree angle scolio so I just had a few therapy sessions and the pain was gone temporarily. I was also forced to wear eye glass from time to time since my vision is no longer 20/20, I already have myopia (nearsightedness). I am still thankful to witness the wonderful creations of God, the sunset and the hopeful sunrise, the smiling moon and stars and even the people I love. I was also diagnosed to have an ovarian cyst but good thing it disappeared after a month of drug treatment.

My work, even if I passed the nursing board exam again last February after the awful 2006 leakage issue and thanked God that even if I just reviewed every after office hours at, where else, Starbucks, I never pursued that career. I continued to work in the Marketing field, I never had the formal education but it served as a challenge for me and God is so good I was even promoted this year. Aside from that, my hosting passion also flourished and I met a lot of wonderful couples that inspires me to accept as true that an ever after is still around the corner. Late 2008, I had a firm decision to continue my business since I know that there is no other way but for me to be an entrepreneur, if I really wanted to have the freedom of time and money ( of course) I ALWAYS wanted to have.

It was also a year of travel for me! It was very impractical to spend my HARD earned money if I will dedicate it to travelling alone(as early as now) so that’s why I am thankful that I get to visit Singapore, Cebu, Iloilo, Palawan, Tacloban, Vigan, Quezon, Occidental and Oriental Mindoro and Bolinao whether it is for business or pleasure. I enjoyed the adventure most especially when I am travelling alone. It gives me that sense of freedom even for a while. The weird part is that every time I ride the plane, seeing the puffy clouds, the crystal blue water, the green mountains and even the Manila skyline makes me ecstatic! I am hopeful that I will get to see Barcelona this February ( I need a miracle) and Singapore again by June and be able to tour the popular places like Sentosa and Night Safari. It is also my dream to bring my family to these places in the future, perhaps I’ll target local spots first. Hehehe…

There are many other things I am grateful about, some of which are as follows:

- I was able to teach ballet again to the little kids of Dance Plus early this year

- served through my passion at the ICON 2008 and Princess Diaries ( Usapang Babae ) of SFC,

-    being a participant ONLY at the MMC 2008

- enjoyed households with my SFC sisters

- attended The Feast at Valle Verde most Sundays of the year

- witnessed weddings of my friends like Mia and Leia, and engagement like my cousin Ate Love

- My mom’s 50^th birthday celebration

- strengthen bond with my friends and able to see long lost friends

- felt the love and support ( over and over again) of my family – both Casuyon s and Mercados

- gave back even on my own lil ways to our poor brother and sisters

- bought my first SLR Camera

- the Spa-holic days

- the silence of my heart with God

- the answered prayers

- the laughter I infect others

- the calls  from my Dad

- The tears that made me smile afterward

- the successful and fun-filled hosting

- the inspiring books I read throughout the year

- the notes God sends me every day

- the blogs I wrote

- the TV series I watched and enjoyed

- the new found friends

- the morning breeze

- and even the person I left behind.. well yeah, even that one.

It might be one of the crises I thought I’ll never get through; I never imagined even in my wildest nightmares that it could happen. I don’t have to elaborate (it was written all over my blogs anyway… hahaha) But yes, I am still thankful the truth was revealed early and those incidents happened. It made me a stronger woman to face the year ahead of me. It made me realized how my family and friends cared for me and how God has greater plans for me and preparing me for the best guy that is yet to come. I will be a fool to say that I’ll forget him or his dreadful actions, but I am over him and that’s what made it exciting! It will lead me to the “one” soon…and I will be here actively waiting. I will never forget these lines from an email I received “There comes a point in your life when you’ll realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore and who always will. So don’t worry about the people in your past, there’s a reason why they didn’t’ make it in you future”

I thank God for the 365 blessed days, we should be thankful even on gloomy days. It is serenity found only in our hearts, life is good though it may be unfair sometimes but still we have to be appreciative of the little things that made us smile this 2008.

For 2009, who knows what is next? But I will continue to be fun-loving and optimistic that there are greater things that lie ahead of us. More laughter and perhaps tears, but nothing happens by chance, we make our own destiny and we can always choose to be joyful even if we are not so happy at times. Thank you to all who have been part of my 2008, one way or another you made me a better woman and I will not wait for yesterday. Hello 2009!

Papa sent me a message today

I signed up to  Trulyrich Club by Bo Sanchez a few weeks ago and everyday I receive wonderful messages from,uhm well.. God. :) You get the idea, that you read different messages everyday that's probably sent to thousands of subscribers of a particular club, that one day or the other the message suits your current situation? Well, today... I really felt the message was for me! Amazing.. as if really God talked to me that way ( I am not very good at hearing God's messages that's why I sometimes end up nowhere...)!  The email goes like this:

Dear maurelle,

Today, I want you to awaken your greatness within you.  It’s just waiting
to explode.

I believe you,
God

P.S. Let it go, maurelle.  Let it go.

Those words were like bullet shot straight to my soul! Whaamm! I have been delaying some things in my life, the what if game, the "I’ll just do that tomorrow" stuffs, the laziness, the " I can't freakin’ do that- with bangin' of my head.. hehehe" and all the other queen of excuses in the universe.

Last night, I was listening to a talk, it was so great that I got excited and wanted to clap my hands and jump over and over again - I just can't do that on that moment- it is so big time destructive so I just pictured it in my mind...great things are yet to come! Today, God affirmed that.

Dear maurelle - the word "dear" means a lovable person, Oh really? Thanks Papa for calling me that way, and the word maurelle - uhmm, that's my real name.

Today, I want you to awaken your greatness within you. - Today! -Papa didn't said yesterday or tomorrow..obviously He wanted me to act NOW! The word "awaken", doesn’t mean I'll look for it, IT IS ALREADY IN ME, I just need to switch the button and KABOOM! - oohhh I can imagine myself like Edward (Twilight) in the middle of the meadows..hihihi.. and I know what He truly means.

It’s just waiting to explode. - All this time I am waiting for "right" things to fall on my lap, but I was actually sitting on it already and all I need to do is stand up and shower it to the world ( I am getting emotional now...)

I believe you,God  - Believing. Conviction. Well, I believe I can..no matter what it takes!

P.S. Let it go, maurelle.  Let it go. - And this last words... I think it have the most impact on me. I know it meant two things.. The first "let go" (for those who have been reading my blogs, you now what it means) Letting go of the "historic happenings" and second, "let go" as in unleash my power, remove the inhibitions and just be who I wanna be and follow my BIG DREAMS.

And so now, at this moment I can really say I am elated.. in trance even! hahaha...all because I know I have great powers.. not to save the cheerleader ( Heroes? sounds familiar?) but powers to share to other people around me. Let's discuss that "power" next time ok? Today, I choose to explode and let go. ( Back ground music please!)

Ok, so I woke up and realized it is December 1^st. It has been a while, just a short while after “everything” that happened. Emotions I never thought would end but God is so great He revealed things that made my moving forward easier. I still remember the day all shifted, November 17, 2008. Now I know it’s a matter of decision, some would linger for a long time but few are determined not to look back and just step forward one at a time, I know I am at the latter.

I came across this line last week on an email- “ There comes a point in your life when you realize, who matters, who never did, WHO WONT ANYMORE..and who always will. So, I wont worry about people from my past, there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to my future” Yes, a reason for everything. Some would say I am bitter with what happened, well who wouldn’t be? But I know it will all pass (very soon I could taste it!), and I will use my brokenness to heal myself, be victorious for God and perhaps just to be happy for those who’ve hurt me ( well, its just one person you knaw.. hahaha)

Back to my day, It has been a long one, thanks it is holiday though I have to work – fun work. I started with a morning chat with Ate May, a mentor, leader and a friend. Then I met Genil and Leia at Grand Terrace to finalize their wedding reception program with their wedding planner. Ohh… can’t wait to plan my own wedding when the “heaven sent” comes along. J Good thing, VS&F had their food tasting session so we jumped in and 

savor the delicious food for free *wink*. After which I met another cute couple – Gina and Rodel- who came all the way from Pangasinan! I’ve seen Lorie again, their wedding planner, almost a year after her own wedding wherein I was privileged to be their emcee. After our discussion, we finished wondering whether we ordered Ice cream or milkshake ?! ( the banana split and the mud pie ‘s ice cream is melting already when served) hehehe… then I went to Trinoma where my family is waiting for me ( Mum and my brother Prince) so we could watch “ BOLT” at the big screen. It was a fantastic movie, I laughed like a child again. It was SOOO FUNNY!

I don’t want to end the day yet so I followed to where my friends’ having some Videoke trip-at Havana. Thea, Anne, Marco and Adz were there, happily singing. I suddenly missed the old days, the G-unit days I guess. Hahaha… Thea and Anne need to go home so we were dropped at Starbucks Congressional, another lovely place we usually hang out, and after weeks I decided to get my Starbucks planner since I’ve completed the stickers already – thank you to all those who made this possible ( I just want it documented with pictures and stuff that’s why I am delaying it, but I ended up getting it anyway without any fireworks, special effects or flashes of the camera) 

I went home happy. I don’t have the exact reasons why but I felt peaceful. Then I remember the peculiar sight I saw in the sky, it is still a rewarding pursuit, the 2 stars and the moon, They’re Venus and Jupiter, and you’ll find them in a beautiful arrangement with the waxing crescent moon in the evening twilight sky. They are the brightest object in the nightsky.

image: my Starbucks planner

 A friend even told me it doesn’t happen often and it would take place again on 2052. A wonderful time to wish for love and just like a little child I closed my eyes and said my prayers. I saw God smiling and today I announce my Valediction. My farewell to my past and my hello to a new beginning, Ohhh, and I am so excited!

“ I asked God for Happiness, and He said No. I give you blessings… Happiness is up to you.”

 

END OF THE CHAPTER

November 18, 2008 - 3:00 AM

Skipping work today isn't a  bad decision after all, I was home alone and I cant help but think about the things that happened...the BAD things. Apart from the slight fever, I thought I would regret giving  my mind an opportunity to rekindle everything, I was in bed the whole day and all I did was look at the white ceiling thinking I'll find the answers to my questions.

**some texts were deleted by the author*** 

Three weeks ago, at almost exactly the same time I thought it was the end of the  world for me, I was so devastated than I would cry more than I would eat. Doing the usual things but my subconscious was somewhere else. My trip to Mindoro that week was perfect to be alone with nature. I could count in my fingers ( on one hand) the times I received flowers and chocolates but God let me see the wonderful blue sky and the lovable sunset and that's greater than any tulips or ferrero. I would wish that all my sorrows that time set with the sun so  that at the breaking of dawn I will feel better. I wasn't successful, maybe because i still need to feel certain emotions that could make me a stronger person. My companion in Mindoro: my iPod and a book entitled "Captivating" , brilliant and very true it made me realize my essence as a woman. At the end of the week, I decided to say goodbye to the boogy guy  since I believe it was the best thing to do. But as I bid goodbye I know that my hope is larger than life that he would come back, fight for me, say that he did mistakes and will ever be regretful for what happened and he would want me back... well, nothing like that happened. Just a simple " wait for me" was thrown in the air.  The remaining days of the week was even tougher,worse I spent it at my hometown, my pain being obvious to my mother. I would just cry often and would  rarely eat. Why am I crying? Maybe because I was so sad that a love was lost..

**some texts were deleted by the author*** 

Third week was even better, I started my therapy, unfortunately it was a shopping therapy! If my calculation is right, I bought around 15  pieces of blouses,gowns and pants, had my Spa treat, watched Gary V concert and the big time therapy? I bought an SLR camera! We can never buy happiness but at least I have something close to that.. hahaha...

***some texts were deleted by the author*** 

As for me, it's as if a bullet was taken out of my heart. I know I loved him dearly,  but that doesn't mean I will continue to wait for the last thing at the Pandora's Box... to hope that he really did love me. Enough is enough. 

Today, I realized a lot of things, it is so wonderful to be alive and be able to love. Grateful for the stitches of life God is offering me. As of today, this chapter of my life is finally over. I will never look back. I will never have a happy ending on this chapter, so it's time to start with a new beginning... A new  chapter that I will color with brilliant pastels just like the last time. It will not assure me yet of a fairy tale ending but I am so excited for the wondrous things God planned for me. I will trust Him and believe that he is the best writer in universe. It's payback time... and just like a friend of mine said...the SWEETEST revenge is living a happy life.

I will end this blog with lyrics from another song, this time from Eric Bennet:

In the End

But in the end, a little love's gonna bring you back again
And in the end, every answer is written on the wind
And in the end, looking back you can finally understand
He was always there besides you, you'll see
Cause I know the fight
When you struggle every moning
Just the face that world one more day

And you holding onto life
While i know the wind is blowing
Just believe your help is on the way

In the end, you're gonna find that strength that lies within
And in the end, you're gonna get there no matter where you' ve been
Cause in the end, well the one through is love will always win
And the hand of God will guide you
Just believe him and let him in

Invincible

It’s not  just some sort of power or what. It is a song I heard on my iTunes. Sang by Christian Bautista entitled Invincible.

Well, have you ever wished you were invincible? I remember Peter Petrilli, he has this ability in the series Heroes. But If I will to choose, I would rather want to  meet the Haitian guy and beg to remove all the unpleasant memories but I would still think twice I guess.. coz as much as I want to retain  just the wonderful memories, these..what should I call it, nightmares maybe, will make me a better woman one way  or another.

So much for that, here’s the lyrics of the song

Invincible by Christian Bautista

I don’t have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .

I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don’t have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you’d let me down
If I had known that then
my eyes were wide open
I still believe I would’ve risked it
There’s no way i would’ve missed it

Alone

As I sit beside my bed, I can feel that I am alone. I think it was a bad idea to skip work today, it made things worse. I cannot be alone because it’s the time that I remember every thing, every detail, and every hurt of what happened. I know I don’t deserve this, that I have to move on with life…but it seems so hard to do now. Do I really have to take in all the pain, the bad memories and some people I‘d wish never came in my life? I am scared… of the future. Terrified that there is really something wrong with me, that I am not for anyone and I am destined to be alone. My family and my friends, they will always be there but at the end of the day when we close our eyes to sleep, as we breathe in a days work and beg for a salvation from the ache we are into, does anything really matter…

want to be invincible?

It's not  just some sort of power or what. It is a song I heard on my iTunes. Sang by Christian Bautista entitled Invincible.

Well, have you ever wished you were invincible? I remember Peter Petrilli, he has this ability in the series Heroes. But If I will to choose, I would rather want to  meet the Haitian guy and beg to remove all the unpleasant memories but I would still think twice I guess.. coz as much as I want to retain  just the wonderful memories, these..what should I call it, nightmares maybe, will make me a better woman one way  or another.

So much for that, here's the lyrics of the song

Invincible by Christian Bautista

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .

I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible
I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Inside of me
I must be invincible

I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you'd let me down

If I had known that then
my eyes were wide open
I still believe I would've risked it
There's no way i would've missed it